Any funeral director or other professional in the world of death care will likely testify that one of the greatest frustrations they face in their careers is the sadness that comes from witnessing the tragic consequences that families too often have to contend with when they wait too long to talk about death amongst themselves. It is amazing, report many experts, that many families find themselves in the difficult situation of having to guess at how to prepare for a loved one’s funeral simply because a difficult-but-vital conversation has never happened. In many cases, A Planning Guide For A Memorial Service can help families understand what should be discussed early. Even family patriarchs who are approaching 90 years of age or more are often lacking an adequate last will and testament. And, further, there has been no discussion amongst these people and their families as to whether cremation or burial is to be the preferred option, and even the person’s choice for a final resting place is often left unknown. Talking about death is hard. These conversations also help families decide how they would like to memorialize a loved one in a way that reflects personal wishes.
But talking about death is also important. Families that avoid the topic find themselves paying thousands of more dollars for the loved one’s funerals than they would otherwise, and psychological studies, time and again, have found great evidence that not talking about death only adds stress to each family member’s life. Yes, not talking about death leads to a quicker death.
So, in the interest of keeping stress at bay and helping families enjoy more time together without the regret that comes from avoiding important topics, we offer the following important discussion about talking about death.
Why Talking About Death Is Difficult
The first thing to consider about talking about death is why the discussion is so difficult. That’s a no-brainer, most would say: no one likes the thought of death. Why talking about something that no one likes to talk about?
But that gets to only the surface of this all-important discussion. What’s most important is to consider why, exactly, people do not like the thought of death.
Death, when looked at through God’s eyes, is not as scary as it otherwise seems. In that view, we see that death is not an end but, rather, simply a transition. In fact, it is a transition to a newer, more stable, exciting and even more luxurious home. Who would not be excited about such a move? And, further, who, when filled with the love of God, would want to move on to such a new, more prosperous locale, without consulting and considering all the great friends and family he or she is leaving behind? To just uproot one’s self from a current home, with no thought of those who have tried to make that home a special place, is, surely a sign of contempt for those great friends. It is, indeed, a selfish act. It is a message to the world: you aren’t good enough for me. You have made me miserable. I cannot wait to be done with you, to be finally settled in to my new place, where I will have no obligation to you anymore.
And it is all brought about because one is simply not on the same page as God about death.
To be sure, the person who is prone to avoid the topic of death with friends and family is probably not cognizant of the fact that this avoidance sends such a dreadful message to the world. On the contrary, the person probably thinks his or her motive is far more innocent. A fear of death is all that’s in the way, the person probably assume. And that’s okay. Who isn’t afraid of death?
Well, of course, the answer to that question is as important as can be.
God is not afraid of death. And neither are those who have put their entire trust in God. Only once a person has fully confronted his or her own spiritual weaknesses to the point that a fear of death is no longer a consuming thought, can his or her private thoughts and conversations be counted upon to adequately begin discussing the topic with the ones he loves (and who love him in return). Until that point, the selfishness that comes naturally from the sin of fear prevails, and the man or woman’s earthly relationships can never be as full and as fulfilling as God intends.
So the bottom line is this: people avoid the topic of death – they refuse to discuss with their beloved friends and family such matters as even whether they would prefer that their body be buried or cremated – simply because they are not looking at the lives and the world in the way as God does.
When they learn to share God’s view of themselves and their entire lives, then the topic of death becomes a natural point of discussion that they are happy to talk about at any time (even if, ironically, those who they may end up talking to – themselves not yet fully in touch with God’s view – are still frightened and otherwise made uncomfortable by it). God makes all things easy. Even – and especially– death!
Getting Started Talking About Death
As you might expect our first bit of advice for getting started in talking about death to friends and family is rather simple (at first glance, anyway): just get on the same page as God.
In reality, this is not a simple thing to do. Mankind’s brain is wired for fear. It expects fear. It is even comfortable in fear. This is the Devil’s work, of course. It is the opposite of what God intends. But realizing that is complex. Readers of the Bible, for example, may be startled to read some of the many ways that the Devil tempts God’s Messiah Jesus in the desert just before his three years of public ministry begin. It may not occur to them that some of the methods the Devil uses in the discussions with Jesus are, in fact, temptations. Many of the points sound, at first glance, like common sense. (If God does love Jesus, why does he not readily supply him with all that could ever wants?)
But, as one contemplates Jesus’ stoic, brave, Godly response to these temptations, he sees the philosophical errors of his “common sense” way of thinking. And, with luck (and an acceptance of God’s grace), he also begins to see the errors that common sense brings to his own decisions too. Fear of talking about death is just fear, after all, and, as Jesus himself has taught us, fear is always sin (because it keeps a person from living fulling in line with God).
So, we say again, the first step to talking about God is to get in line with God. Once a person is there, talk of death will come naturally – as will just about any other feat that had formerly been dismissed as too difficult or even impossible.
Important Death Topics
Once a person has done the basic spiritual work required to become comfortable talking about death, he or she will find plenty to talk about. Death has many elements, both practical and spiritual. We will save the spiritual elements for another article and turn our attention in the waning portion of this article to the practical.
Discussions of death that all families would do well to have include such topics as where a person will be buried, whether he or she will be buried (as opposed to cremated), what sort of funeral arrangements should be organized, what type of headstone (if any) should be installed at a gravesite (if any), what an obituary might say, and who would be asked to deliver a eulogy or be a pall bearer. All of these topics involve a great deal more discussion than may seem at first to be necessary. The very question, “who will be your pall bearer” can immediately inspire an entire weekend worth of talk in many people, and may result in numerous changes of the mind that will ultimately involve several more weekends worth of talk. Ask any lawyer who specializes in helping people to write their Last Will and Testament. The decisions made in the original document are likely changed at least once every 10 years. And for those who live in more turbulent families, the changes can be even more frequent than that. As relationships grow and change, so to do a person’s final wishes. It is not unheard of, for example, that a person who feels betrayed by everyone in his or her family may chance upon a pleasant conversation with person he or she has met at random – say, on a bus or in a restaurant – and end up visiting his or her attorney shortly thereafter to ask that his or her will be changed to leave the entire estate in the hands of the stranger.
Because of this natural ebb and flow that each man or woman experiences in the course of his or her life, it is vital that all men learn to become comfortable with talking about death (in other words, they must, first, become comfortable with God) and then be ready to revisit the topic repeatedly – daily, in some cases – for as long as they exist on God’s great creation known as Earth.